The Art of Loving

Even love as a "haven from aloneness" is bound to fail. To love at all is to be engaged with humankind, with eyes open.

Erich Fromm, in his 123-page treatise on love, shares with the world his idea that love exists in the world, not as something we practice extensively but take for granted. We recognize the need for love, a way to fill the void of our human separateness, and yet spend little time focusing on it as something to achieve in the world. Money, success, achievement, glory all find their ways to the tops of lists of what we hope to achieve but love fails to make the list.

Fromm recognizes this and comes to the discussion hoping to bring the reader to the idea that love is an art form. It is an art form in the sense that we must practice every day and hone our skills much like anything else we do.

Imagine all of the self-help books we encounter and how many focus on the practice of love as a skill?

As Fromm notes: "Because one does not see that love is an activity, a power of the soul, one believes that all that is necessary to find is the right object and that everything goes by itself afterward."

This object focus on love creates endless problems as we focus not on our love as a skill but what hope to get from love itself. Love is not about the object and receiving something in return but rather the full commitment of ourselves to that of another person.

It's hard not to read a book like this and agree with what he is saying. "To love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person." We watch the speed with which the world moves and seem to find ourselves lacking this commitment. If we are unwilling to consider love this type of activity, what does that mean for society?

What does that mean for me?

Until we start to look at love as an activity; something we need to put on our list of goals and achievements and not just assume things will work out, we will struggle. We leave things to chance and if divorce rates are any indication of the chance we are at about 50/50.

Love needs to become something we strive to achieve every day. A love for life and the willingness to withstand frustration. How many of us are able to keep going despite the worst of odds? Look at the people we look to in the business world and their success and achievements. Likely they never gave up. Love is a skill that we can't give up and must be willing to put in that same amount of effort.

Think about your current relationships. Do you find yourself trying every day? Do you find yourself putting others before you and doing the small things every day to show your love; unconditionally. Not expecting anything back.

Fromm recognizes the state of the world and the state of love within this world. He recognizes that we must do a better job of recognizing that we were all born to love but must work at it like any other skill. "To take the difficulties, setbacks and worries of life as a challenge which to overcome makes us strong, rather than as unjust punishment which should not happen to us, requires faith and courage."

Faith and courage are required for love as well.

Wise As F*ck

“Life won’t stop for your pauses and procrastinations. It won’t stop for your confusion or fear. It will continue right along without you. Whether you play an active part or not, the show will go on.”

Some days it just takes a few words or as James Clear would note, that 1% better than the previous day. Gary John Bishop's Wise As F*ck recently dropped following a line of books that capture your attention with their titles. Don't let that fool you though, there is a lot of wisdom hidden inside of these books provided in a confrontational style that is sure to jar you out of any stupor.

One of the big ideas that Gary talks about that is critical and can be found in many different books is this: "You Could Be Anybody Right Now."

What does this mean?

We all have grown up in our lives learning to tell ourselves stories about how things are or should be. Do you consider yourself someone who works out or not? The answer is a story that you have created. You either are someone or you aren't but beyond that, there really is no reason for you not to be someone who does. If you haven't worked out in a year and woke up this morning telling yourself you are a person who works out then from today forward your story has changed.

Gary does an excellent job of really hammering this home that until we are willing to break the storylines that we have told ourselves for years, change is going to be difficult. The reality is that we can be anybody we want right now.

For the most part, when we look out and recognize that change is needed. Fear is in the driver's seat. As Gary notes: "Fear can be the companion or the driver; that choice is yours." We've essentially given over control to the storylines that fear has helped create. We listen intently to the reasons why we can't do something without recognizing, as noted above, we can make a different decision right now.

I loved this example that Gary provided to help show what he means:

You're not afraid of public speaking for instance, you're afraid of what you have made public speaking mean; and what you have made it mean is hidden from your view.

You can replace public speaking with anything. You're not afraid of starting a new business ... podcasting ... blogging ... writing .. etc. We have crafted a story about each of our own fears and are unwilling to look at them for what they are. Ideas floating around in our head that can truly be changed at any time.

So what do I do?

You've got to own up to where you are in life. This means taking an honest look at your place in the world. Write it down. How are you feeling about your life right now? What is working and what isn't? What fears do you have any what do those fears represent? Is it public speaking you are afraid of? What does the story behind that look like and why have you crafted it?

You've been holding off on starting that podcast and now you see that your fears aren't rational. What is the next step? Action. Action. Action. Sometimes taking a step is far easier than thinking about what the next step means or how you are going to do it. Open your laptop, open the voice recorder, and record a message. Start simple. It's amazing when you start to shift your mindset away from thinking about the next steps to actually doing them.

Gary again: "If there's anything you could start to develop, it would be the ability to act powerfully in your life in the absence of that positivity or motivation or enthusiasm."

Don't find yourself waiting for the mood to strike. Being able to act when the mood doesn't feel right is even more powerful because it begins to align with your own identity.

Last thoughts.

I highly recommend this book for anyone feeling stuck on something. Having someone come at you from a neutral and yet forceful position can open up both your eyes and your mind. Gary leaves the book with a powerful question that you can use every day.

"If I keep doing this, how does it all turn out for me?"

If you keep walking the path you are on, look out 5, 10, 15 years, and think to yourself in the most honest way possible, what does that look like? Do you see the regret building?

Don't be fooled by the title. This is a powerful book and one you should consider picking up.

Non-Fiction November 2020 Edition

Thanks for stopping in for Non-Fiction November 2020! If you've never heard of it I encourage you to pop over to Instagram and check out the hashtags #NonFictionNovember or #NonFictionNov to see what others are reading. A fun reading challenge that brings some much-needed attention to the non-fiction genre!

Dan Simmons - The Terror

This year I stuck to mainly non-fiction with the exception of one book which is usually a bedside reader. Dan Simmons' The Terror fit that role this month and what a ride! A fictional tale of Captain Sir John Franklin's lost expedition of the HMS Erebus and HMS Terror. Simmons weaves a tale that mixes history and fiction into something that keeps you in suspense all the way through.

Erich Fromm - The Art of Loving

"Most people see the problem of love primarily as that of being loved, rather than that of loving, of one’s capacity to love. Hence the problem to them is how to be loved, how to be lovable."

Erich Fromm's philosophical look at love breaks it down into something that we must work at; something that we take a view of having to earn love versus give love. An excellent book and worth the read; it's a short read but well worth the time. It's a book that sticks with you.

Jessica Strand - Upstairs at the Strand

This one did not hit home for me. This is for those who love literature and know who the writers are. It's conversations between writers in the upstairs room at the Strand bookstore so of course, I was interested. I found it to be boring and unfortunately I hadn't read anything by most of the writers included. So something to keep in mind!

Tenzin Rinpoche - Awakening the Luminous Mind

November's spiritual book, Tenzin brings the teachings of Dawa Gyaltsen, an 8th-century Tibetan meditation master, to you and really focuses you to examine the mind. If you happen to purchase the paperback book, it actually comes with a CD with the meditations to listen too which is helpful. To find silence and spaciousness within our own minds is something that is difficult with thoughts constantly bombarding us. Dawa's teachings try to find the openness that we need in order to settle our minds.

Martin Seligman - Authentic Happiness

An excellent book on the ideas of happiness and truly what that means to an individual. Focusing in on pleasure (short-term and transient) and gratification (longer-term and whole), Seligman focuses the reader in on their own personal strengths with some excellent tests and exercises on his website. Ultimately we need to focus on our key signature strengths in order to find that long-term gratification. Appreciated this book and I'm looking forward to reading further into his library.

Peter Mansbridge - Extraordinary Canadians

A book for Canadians! Simon & Schuster Canada provided me with a review copy and I thoroughly enjoyed reading about the unsung Canadian heroes out there. This isn't a list of the most famous Canadians, it's people who have done amazing things who may have gone unnoticed. Human rights really become the focus and those Canadians who have propelled not just Canada forward but the world.

Peter Kozodoy - Honest to Greatness

Peter's book Honest to Greatness comes at a time when honesty seems to be lacking in the world; a perfect time. The book is helpful for those of us working in large companies, running our own companies, or just wanting to get some insight into becoming more self-aware. Check out the full review over on Instagram if you haven't already!

Danielle Town - Invested

Danielle Town's Invested was November's finance choice this month and what a pleasant surprise! Picked this one up on a whim based on the description of being a simple way to implement Warren Buffett and Charlie Munger's investing style. This book was a great choice! It comes across as very simple to learn while following the story of Danielle's own growth. This makes for an approachable book that anyone can pick up and learn about value investing. Definitely recommended for novice investors or anyone interested in trying to implement a Buffett/Munger style!

Sam Harris - Making Sense

Last but definitely not least is Sam Harris' Making Sense. A book derived from the popular podcast, Making sense packs a ton of information into the pages focusing in on a few key topics. Consciousness and artificial intelligence both feature prominently and I think the book does an excellent job of focusing in on these ideas. It's not a simple read so be prepared but I find these ideas on the page easier to understand than on the podcast itself. If you were on the fence about reading the book, I'd say I find myself more of a visual learner and reading about the complexities of these problems was much easier!

There you have it! November 2020 reads. Looking forward to jumping into December; thanks for following along! Shoot me a message over on Instagram if you have a question about any of these books or have read them and want to discuss.